I see clouds gathering in the horizon....

I have a cold....a freak kin cold from hell and a cough that burns in my chest.

I guess we all can agree that life is full of ups and downs, but can you turn a down to an up? or at least slightly alter it so that it won't be as bad as it might have been?

Each year at the beginning of October I think about my grandparents, the once who have passed away.

Funny how thoughts of them it can strike me with pain after 10yrs. I lost my farmor when i was 13. I remember how unbelievable it was, when my mom told me. It was as if she had slapped my face. When I was 15 I lost my moms dad. I had seen him the day before. I often think about that fact. That my mom, dad, my siblings and I decided to go up and say hallo. Its like this freaky coincidence. We were on our way home and my mom was spouse to go up and get something. All of us decided to go up. When mom told me he had passed away I thought about that, in fact it was the only thing I thought about; how lucky it was, that we got to see him one last time.

Last year I lost my farfar. He was 79 and would have been 80 in late December last year. I didn't know him that well. My siblings knew him even less than what i did. The last 4 yrs before he passed I saw him about 4 or 5 times a year and I was starting to get to know him. I think the most touching moment as he is concerned was when we visited him when i was 17 or 18. When i came into his living room I saw that he had pictures of me and my siblings on his wall. It was nice to know that he offered us some thoughts and that he cared in some way. I was absolutely shattered at his funeral. Mostly because then it was too late to get to know him, it was too late for him to get to know me. And I had a hard time picturing that this really tall man could fit into such a small coffin. My sister and I was allowed to choose a song for his funeral; one day you'll dance for me New York city. we saw it as appropriate because he was a sailor when he was young.

At the end of October last year I went to visit a friend of mine in New York city, and I went to see a family I know in Virginia. The mom in the family informed me a week before I went that her mom was really sick, but they still wanted me to come. Ruth was dying, she had only a few months left to live and they thought it would be great if I still wanted to come to make one of her last weeks something exiting, something nice.

I only spent one night in New York, I choose to spend the rest f my time in Virginia and I haven't regretted that at all. It was nice to spend time with Ruth. And i tried to spend as much time as possible. 3 days after I left and went back home she passed away. Its funny how a woman you hardly know gets a kind of a 'grandparent' status in your emotional center.

wow this post is kinda depressing, but hey what is life without the downs? I honestly believe that you can't know what happiness really is until you know what the opposite emotions feel like. And even though I've lost people who've been wonderful and important to me, and although it still hurts at times when I remember and realize that I will never see them again. I still hold love for them, I still carry the with me.....

<3

Socks

I love this pic. It was taken before a party and shows me and my room-mates feet and yes we are wearing matching H&M socks.

Boots for Walking

Our dog when he was a tiny tiny puppy.

I was never a dog person untill we got him. Now I love dogs... and I still think that he is the best dog ever. He has such a great personality and he's good tempered. spoiled rotten though. What to do? C'est La Vie!

Here Goes Nothing

The other day I overslept and came in 4 hours too late for work. I had a terrible night. I didn't realize until my sister woke me up that I was sick. I had fever dreams that entire night.

Well, life is funny isn't it? The ups and downs.... hehe the turn arounds. What to do? Sing. Or something equally fun.

I liked this guy and I told him. Even though I had a feeling that it wasn't mutual it didn't matter. It was important for me to just leap and do it. I'm way tougher than what I tend to give myself credit for. Which is a good thing, I recond that means that I have reserves to draw upon when poop hits the fan. I'm still feeling deliriously happy. I'm just at this really good place right now, despite rejection.

I think that forum helps, not just a little either. It really offers you insigt and a tools that make you able to see yourself as you really are and I really think I've learned more about myself these last 4 months than what I have in the year previous to that.

Sure I fall flat on my face all the time, but Does it matter? I could always just get back up and brush of the mud and the dirt and keep walking. Besides I hadn't invested anything in that guy so all I stood to lose was face, and in the end I'm really the one who desides how much face I'm willing to lose. I could have been embarresed and been scared to show my face ever again, but I really don't see a point in doing that. I've done far worse things and still been able to walk with my darn head high.

so yeah. I guess: Kudos to me and to all the other hopeless and proud people out there!

Cheers!

sleepless in oslo

I can't sleep. I slept for a couple of hours earlier tonight. I was reading and i just fell asleep. Darn to I regret it. It's like 3.15 in the wee hours and i'm just lying here, sleepless.

i've joined a forum lately. I love it. I'm not gonna say what it is though; what if someone sees one of my post and know its me. he he that would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I love it though for several reasons:

1. you can be totally anonymous
2. You can chat about or ask about ANYTHING
3. There are some really funny, wise and great people in there that are brutally honest with you when
you need it the most.

ha Ha i don't know about you, but i really need some sense knocked into me from time to time. Just look at my last relationship. It was hopeless and people around me could see it, but I was so blinded it was scary. Now I can see it so darn clear and i love that fact. makes me wish that i found that forum earlier though.

okay. once more i will try to sleep, lets cross our fingers and hope it works :P

Finals coming up... geez!!

I don't know why i let this happen time and time again, but finals are coming up and I am seriously not as prepared as i should be. I need to get 2 Bs and a D and I'm honestly not sure if i can make it happen.

So from today until next Tuesday i will be pretty much incommunicado he he. No more social life for me. Oh and I have a HUGE paper due on the 5th... so that makes for 2 weeks until i can do stuff that is not school or work related. I'm broke anyways so i guess its a good thing. this way i won't spend money on stuff i really don't have money for.

I started watching Buffy season 2 yesterday. I don't have season 1 on dvd only VHS, but it's fine really, i'm not that big a fan of season 1. I haven't seen this show in a while, been a few years since i saw season 2. Its far more entertaining than what i remembered it as, especially considering that its a show from 1997 or something like that.

my sister wrote about the phenomenon of missing someone. She misses her friends. They are spread out all over the place, i'm lucky like that i guess. Most of my friends live in the same town as me, but I do miss my friends who live in my hometown though. I don't get to see them often enough. Which is really sad. luckily when i do we have a ton of fun. Like this weekend.

I actually dosed of earlier while I was reading for my exam and I had the strangest dream, where my bbf and i was lying on my bed watching TV and talking. I got really, really disappointed when i woke up and she wasn't here!

Back to the books and Buffy season 2.

happy happy happy

haha seeing as this is my third blog thing in an hour, it probably means there will be days till the next one. I just needed to get this out of my system before I try to sleep. On Friday i woke up and was truly and genuinely happy. I don't know about the rest of the general population, but that is really rear for me.

I have gotten out of bed (or this morning the sofa) and my body has been really really happy. Seeing as i'm a very cynical person I'm convinced that it will pass pretty soon, that it's just a new fancy step my mind has created that eventually will lead to some serious, hard-time depression.

That's not to say that I'm not going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts though. I'm loving it, McDonald-style

I have had a really good weekend. On a scale from 1 to 10 it was pretty much a strong 12. Some friends of mine came to visit. I don't get to see them too often and we got shit faced together. it was a lot of fun. My aunt joined in as well. she's 10yrs older than me and i don't see her too often either. On Saturday my brother, my cousin and two buddies showed up as well and we went to a party. It was so nice to just hang out with them, pretty much like the good old days when we would party together each weekend and do a bunch of stupid things we could laugh about for weeks. It's nice to wake up in the morning and hang out with the people you just partied with and to talk and laugh and be tired together. I've always loved that. It's a great phenomenon. On Friday my sister, my 2 friends and i slept over at my aunt and uncles place and we had the same good-time talk in the morning. I don't know what makes those moments so special, but they are.... uhu, probably just one of those little things that makes life so awesome sometimes.

okay happy happy happy rant over.

first snow of the season

You wiped my tears, then walked away
as if it never mattered

how unbearably loud
your footsteps were
each time they hit the tarmac

i woke up this morning
naked, scared and alone
the sun was shining
on the white blanket of death
outside my window

a heavy reminder of childhood innocence
when the world was small and safe
and that horrible thing called responsibility did not yet exist.

the first snow of the season
used to be a relief
it used to fill the inside of my ribcage
with pure joy

now it's a sign of how all things eventually end
and the mere sight of it
fills me up with a hollowed out emotion
that pours out of my skin

i imagine it is what grief would smell like
if grief had a scent.
-GH.

Lets sing heart lets sing

C'est La VIe!

okay here we go....