I see clouds gathering in the horizon....

I have a cold....a freak kin cold from hell and a cough that burns in my chest.

I guess we all can agree that life is full of ups and downs, but can you turn a down to an up? or at least slightly alter it so that it won't be as bad as it might have been?

Each year at the beginning of October I think about my grandparents, the once who have passed away.

Funny how thoughts of them it can strike me with pain after 10yrs. I lost my farmor when i was 13. I remember how unbelievable it was, when my mom told me. It was as if she had slapped my face. When I was 15 I lost my moms dad. I had seen him the day before. I often think about that fact. That my mom, dad, my siblings and I decided to go up and say hallo. Its like this freaky coincidence. We were on our way home and my mom was spouse to go up and get something. All of us decided to go up. When mom told me he had passed away I thought about that, in fact it was the only thing I thought about; how lucky it was, that we got to see him one last time.

Last year I lost my farfar. He was 79 and would have been 80 in late December last year. I didn't know him that well. My siblings knew him even less than what i did. The last 4 yrs before he passed I saw him about 4 or 5 times a year and I was starting to get to know him. I think the most touching moment as he is concerned was when we visited him when i was 17 or 18. When i came into his living room I saw that he had pictures of me and my siblings on his wall. It was nice to know that he offered us some thoughts and that he cared in some way. I was absolutely shattered at his funeral. Mostly because then it was too late to get to know him, it was too late for him to get to know me. And I had a hard time picturing that this really tall man could fit into such a small coffin. My sister and I was allowed to choose a song for his funeral; one day you'll dance for me New York city. we saw it as appropriate because he was a sailor when he was young.

At the end of October last year I went to visit a friend of mine in New York city, and I went to see a family I know in Virginia. The mom in the family informed me a week before I went that her mom was really sick, but they still wanted me to come. Ruth was dying, she had only a few months left to live and they thought it would be great if I still wanted to come to make one of her last weeks something exiting, something nice.

I only spent one night in New York, I choose to spend the rest f my time in Virginia and I haven't regretted that at all. It was nice to spend time with Ruth. And i tried to spend as much time as possible. 3 days after I left and went back home she passed away. Its funny how a woman you hardly know gets a kind of a 'grandparent' status in your emotional center.

wow this post is kinda depressing, but hey what is life without the downs? I honestly believe that you can't know what happiness really is until you know what the opposite emotions feel like. And even though I've lost people who've been wonderful and important to me, and although it still hurts at times when I remember and realize that I will never see them again. I still hold love for them, I still carry the with me.....

<3