summer in the winter... or yeah...

Well one of my closed friends threw a tiny Hawaii party yesterday, we were 4 girls, we had fake flowers aroun our necks and drank drinks out of pineapples, you gotta love it :P

So i'm in a far better mood today then i was yesterday! Especially the day i wrote the last post. She had decorated her livingroom with all sorts of stuff, she had fruit, a small kiddy-swimming pool, beach chairs and flowers, candels and she turned the heath way up so we could have tee shirts on.

Gosh, i'm feeling like a premium nerd right now, i'm sitting her with two computers, i'm only updating my itunes though, so i'm not fixing anything :P but still

happy holdays to all of you out there!

its all turning to shit.... or is it?

Xmas is right around the corner, and I hate it i really do hate it. Its hard to explain how much I hate it, but its turning into this burning pit of frustration in my stomach. I'm just so frustrated with this part of the year, ppl just expect too much, they overbook you, they want stuff, they expect you to be all peppy and sweet, to be there when shit goes down and worse.... you have to spend several days faking it.

I don't know what i dislike the most.... xmas(xmess) or New Years. New years is a mess as well. ppl getting all gushed up, drinking as if they were payed per bottle, entity etc, and there is the food, the ppl, the fireworks.... and then there is all the partying... the partying used to be okay, but i'm broke as shit and i just have such harsh pre-holiday anxiety that i can't find any joy in that either.

on top of everything my x bf (or my royal pain in the ass as he should be called from now on!) called me on Friday. out of the blue, it was just so fucking unexpected. He didn't have my number until then, b\c i changed it once he started to obsess about me and the break up. At first when he didn't have my number he started to send me emails on facebook, i stopped answering, then he showed up at my apartment, I didn't let him in. He tried to get me to agree to 'trying' to get back together with him.... I was doing pretty well until he called me, now i'm a walking disaster on two legs... and i can't even get my legs to function properly.

my best friend is laying next to me right now and she is telling me that I should grab a hold of myself, and that its not going to be as bad as i think. I'm not convinced.

you know those rosy glasses ppl talk about... well i don't own a pair of those, i do have on a swanky pair of 'life turns to shit' glasses, can you guess what color they are? Jepp! Brown

okay so... how did i get this fucked up when it comes to xmess holidays you ask...... well you put money, family, feuds, x bfs, x friends, grandparents, pressure and cold cold shitty weather in a mixer; you turn it on and volai! there you have it; a pessimistic attitude and i'm wearing the crown, b'c i'm the queen of this condition! LOl okay that was a bit dramatical, i'll admit. there are children who starve to death somewhere that is not here at this very moment. But hey! You know what... right now i'm going to be egocentric and forget about that... LOL i know for sure that it ain't gonna lift my mood :P

hopeless?

so am i really hopeless? i met a guy this weekend and he's cute, like really really cute, like hopelessly charming.... what to do? omg i'm not that good at this stuff. meeting people, getting to know them. I guess i know the 'rules' for a ONS, but I do NOT know the rules for a Two NS, or a weekend, or a two days in a row spent together with a person you hardly know. I do however know what kind of emotions that stierrs, not that they are that deep, but there is a curiosity, and a feeling of where you might wanna take it, or where you do NOT want to take it.

I'm hopeless at that whole dating thing, maybe b\c i've never actually dated. I've met a guy hung out (very casually) and then taken it somewhere, but dating..... never actually done it. not really, not by the book.... or maybe i've kinda dated, but like lorelai gilmore told rory... yoiu haven't dated: dean, jess were relationships.... and i guess mine goes by the same things.....

I hate investing myself in stuff emotionally, like the curiosity... its the start of an investment. starting out with something physical, is the start of an investment if you've done it more than once and then i don't have a clue as to where i should take it.... really... i might have had two long relationships, but at the dating thing i'm fucking lost like a tiny kitten with nowhere to go.

and now it's two am on a monday, and i'm nervous, i'm tired and i've fixed a gross and messy drain. I did good though. i'm a neat little fixer :) LOL i guess we all have to be good at something. Give me something i can fix and i'll do it..... give me a choice or a situation where i might have to invest myself emotinally and i'm going to get into some real big problems .

good night world!

OMG!

I had a final today, but I'm sick and got like a thing that will let me take it after Christmas.

When I went to the University I met up with a friend and she had a HUGE surprise for me.... our friend Ola is back in town. I didn't realize how much I've missed him until he was there. ha ha, I'm stuck on the missing people train, ain't I.

Now i'm watching Buffy season 2 and wrapping Christmas presents :) I must admit that giving presents is my fave part of Christmas... getting presents is my second fave and then you have the family time in third and food at no. four. :D

Drowning?

There is a sea of Silence
between us
and neither you
nor I
know how to swim

GH

I miss you!

Usually i am able to suppress any feeling that deals with missing people. Yesterday I wrote about missing people who have passed. Now i'm going to write about missing people who have moved away or live way to far away from me.

Julie.
We used to live together, we used to work together, we used to go for walks down to that cute cafe and drink coffee (well okay we only did that once, but it was still super nice) or go and drink beer at Shebeen, where annoying, horny Irish men (or well one man) would bother us and show us stupid dances. (remember the f-ing upwards dance. Hilarious)

most of all i miss sitting in our living room late in the evening, ranting about stuff that annoyed us... hehe or mostly i would rant about stuff that annoyed the crapola out of me and you would listen.

I miss not seeing your funky stuff in your room and not hanging out or getting drunk together. And i know i said i would visit, and i will, but it won't be until after x-mas

And of couse I wonder how you're doing, but I know you have miriam and that the two of you are fighters, suvivers and you really really know how to have fun..... I love you!


other then that I just got nailed by a poetry scam. ha ha atleast they didn't suck any money out of me. I was exited at first, but then sceptisism hit me. I researched it on the internet and it was a scam... well too bad. I read an article about poetry scams that said" at first you'll be exited and then you get mad" I really don't see why I should be mad. I mean, I didn't loose anyhting (well posibly the right to my poem, which sucks b\c its pretty good--> and yes i'm gonna say it! IT'S GOOD and I wrote IT! :)

I'm gonna post it in its own post!