Well one of my closed friends threw a tiny Hawaii party yesterday, we were 4 girls, we had fake flowers aroun our necks and drank drinks out of pineapples, you gotta love it :P
So i'm in a far better mood today then i was yesterday! Especially the day i wrote the last post. She had decorated her livingroom with all sorts of stuff, she had fruit, a small kiddy-swimming pool, beach chairs and flowers, candels and she turned the heath way up so we could have tee shirts on.
Gosh, i'm feeling like a premium nerd right now, i'm sitting her with two computers, i'm only updating my itunes though, so i'm not fixing anything :P but still
happy holdays to all of you out there!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
its all turning to shit.... or is it?
Xmas is right around the corner, and I hate it i really do hate it. Its hard to explain how much I hate it, but its turning into this burning pit of frustration in my stomach. I'm just so frustrated with this part of the year, ppl just expect too much, they overbook you, they want stuff, they expect you to be all peppy and sweet, to be there when shit goes down and worse.... you have to spend several days faking it.
I don't know what i dislike the most.... xmas(xmess) or New Years. New years is a mess as well. ppl getting all gushed up, drinking as if they were payed per bottle, entity etc, and there is the food, the ppl, the fireworks.... and then there is all the partying... the partying used to be okay, but i'm broke as shit and i just have such harsh pre-holiday anxiety that i can't find any joy in that either.
on top of everything my x bf (or my royal pain in the ass as he should be called from now on!) called me on Friday. out of the blue, it was just so fucking unexpected. He didn't have my number until then, b\c i changed it once he started to obsess about me and the break up. At first when he didn't have my number he started to send me emails on facebook, i stopped answering, then he showed up at my apartment, I didn't let him in. He tried to get me to agree to 'trying' to get back together with him.... I was doing pretty well until he called me, now i'm a walking disaster on two legs... and i can't even get my legs to function properly.
my best friend is laying next to me right now and she is telling me that I should grab a hold of myself, and that its not going to be as bad as i think. I'm not convinced.
you know those rosy glasses ppl talk about... well i don't own a pair of those, i do have on a swanky pair of 'life turns to shit' glasses, can you guess what color they are? Jepp! Brown
okay so... how did i get this fucked up when it comes to xmess holidays you ask...... well you put money, family, feuds, x bfs, x friends, grandparents, pressure and cold cold shitty weather in a mixer; you turn it on and volai! there you have it; a pessimistic attitude and i'm wearing the crown, b'c i'm the queen of this condition! LOl okay that was a bit dramatical, i'll admit. there are children who starve to death somewhere that is not here at this very moment. But hey! You know what... right now i'm going to be egocentric and forget about that... LOL i know for sure that it ain't gonna lift my mood :P
I don't know what i dislike the most.... xmas(xmess) or New Years. New years is a mess as well. ppl getting all gushed up, drinking as if they were payed per bottle, entity etc, and there is the food, the ppl, the fireworks.... and then there is all the partying... the partying used to be okay, but i'm broke as shit and i just have such harsh pre-holiday anxiety that i can't find any joy in that either.
on top of everything my x bf (or my royal pain in the ass as he should be called from now on!) called me on Friday. out of the blue, it was just so fucking unexpected. He didn't have my number until then, b\c i changed it once he started to obsess about me and the break up. At first when he didn't have my number he started to send me emails on facebook, i stopped answering, then he showed up at my apartment, I didn't let him in. He tried to get me to agree to 'trying' to get back together with him.... I was doing pretty well until he called me, now i'm a walking disaster on two legs... and i can't even get my legs to function properly.
my best friend is laying next to me right now and she is telling me that I should grab a hold of myself, and that its not going to be as bad as i think. I'm not convinced.
you know those rosy glasses ppl talk about... well i don't own a pair of those, i do have on a swanky pair of 'life turns to shit' glasses, can you guess what color they are? Jepp! Brown
okay so... how did i get this fucked up when it comes to xmess holidays you ask...... well you put money, family, feuds, x bfs, x friends, grandparents, pressure and cold cold shitty weather in a mixer; you turn it on and volai! there you have it; a pessimistic attitude and i'm wearing the crown, b'c i'm the queen of this condition! LOl okay that was a bit dramatical, i'll admit. there are children who starve to death somewhere that is not here at this very moment. But hey! You know what... right now i'm going to be egocentric and forget about that... LOL i know for sure that it ain't gonna lift my mood :P
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
hopeless?
so am i really hopeless? i met a guy this weekend and he's cute, like really really cute, like hopelessly charming.... what to do? omg i'm not that good at this stuff. meeting people, getting to know them. I guess i know the 'rules' for a ONS, but I do NOT know the rules for a Two NS, or a weekend, or a two days in a row spent together with a person you hardly know. I do however know what kind of emotions that stierrs, not that they are that deep, but there is a curiosity, and a feeling of where you might wanna take it, or where you do NOT want to take it.
I'm hopeless at that whole dating thing, maybe b\c i've never actually dated. I've met a guy hung out (very casually) and then taken it somewhere, but dating..... never actually done it. not really, not by the book.... or maybe i've kinda dated, but like lorelai gilmore told rory... yoiu haven't dated: dean, jess were relationships.... and i guess mine goes by the same things.....
I hate investing myself in stuff emotionally, like the curiosity... its the start of an investment. starting out with something physical, is the start of an investment if you've done it more than once and then i don't have a clue as to where i should take it.... really... i might have had two long relationships, but at the dating thing i'm fucking lost like a tiny kitten with nowhere to go.
and now it's two am on a monday, and i'm nervous, i'm tired and i've fixed a gross and messy drain. I did good though. i'm a neat little fixer :) LOL i guess we all have to be good at something. Give me something i can fix and i'll do it..... give me a choice or a situation where i might have to invest myself emotinally and i'm going to get into some real big problems .
good night world!
I'm hopeless at that whole dating thing, maybe b\c i've never actually dated. I've met a guy hung out (very casually) and then taken it somewhere, but dating..... never actually done it. not really, not by the book.... or maybe i've kinda dated, but like lorelai gilmore told rory... yoiu haven't dated: dean, jess were relationships.... and i guess mine goes by the same things.....
I hate investing myself in stuff emotionally, like the curiosity... its the start of an investment. starting out with something physical, is the start of an investment if you've done it more than once and then i don't have a clue as to where i should take it.... really... i might have had two long relationships, but at the dating thing i'm fucking lost like a tiny kitten with nowhere to go.
and now it's two am on a monday, and i'm nervous, i'm tired and i've fixed a gross and messy drain. I did good though. i'm a neat little fixer :) LOL i guess we all have to be good at something. Give me something i can fix and i'll do it..... give me a choice or a situation where i might have to invest myself emotinally and i'm going to get into some real big problems .
good night world!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
OMG!
I had a final today, but I'm sick and got like a thing that will let me take it after Christmas.
When I went to the University I met up with a friend and she had a HUGE surprise for me.... our friend Ola is back in town. I didn't realize how much I've missed him until he was there. ha ha, I'm stuck on the missing people train, ain't I.
Now i'm watching Buffy season 2 and wrapping Christmas presents :) I must admit that giving presents is my fave part of Christmas... getting presents is my second fave and then you have the family time in third and food at no. four. :D
When I went to the University I met up with a friend and she had a HUGE surprise for me.... our friend Ola is back in town. I didn't realize how much I've missed him until he was there. ha ha, I'm stuck on the missing people train, ain't I.
Now i'm watching Buffy season 2 and wrapping Christmas presents :) I must admit that giving presents is my fave part of Christmas... getting presents is my second fave and then you have the family time in third and food at no. four. :D
Monday, December 1, 2008
I miss you!
Usually i am able to suppress any feeling that deals with missing people. Yesterday I wrote about missing people who have passed. Now i'm going to write about missing people who have moved away or live way to far away from me.
Julie.
We used to live together, we used to work together, we used to go for walks down to that cute cafe and drink coffee (well okay we only did that once, but it was still super nice) or go and drink beer at Shebeen, where annoying, horny Irish men (or well one man) would bother us and show us stupid dances. (remember the f-ing upwards dance. Hilarious)
most of all i miss sitting in our living room late in the evening, ranting about stuff that annoyed us... hehe or mostly i would rant about stuff that annoyed the crapola out of me and you would listen.
I miss not seeing your funky stuff in your room and not hanging out or getting drunk together. And i know i said i would visit, and i will, but it won't be until after x-mas
And of couse I wonder how you're doing, but I know you have miriam and that the two of you are fighters, suvivers and you really really know how to have fun..... I love you!
other then that I just got nailed by a poetry scam. ha ha atleast they didn't suck any money out of me. I was exited at first, but then sceptisism hit me. I researched it on the internet and it was a scam... well too bad. I read an article about poetry scams that said" at first you'll be exited and then you get mad" I really don't see why I should be mad. I mean, I didn't loose anyhting (well posibly the right to my poem, which sucks b\c its pretty good--> and yes i'm gonna say it! IT'S GOOD and I wrote IT! :)
I'm gonna post it in its own post!
Julie.
We used to live together, we used to work together, we used to go for walks down to that cute cafe and drink coffee (well okay we only did that once, but it was still super nice) or go and drink beer at Shebeen, where annoying, horny Irish men (or well one man) would bother us and show us stupid dances. (remember the f-ing upwards dance. Hilarious)
most of all i miss sitting in our living room late in the evening, ranting about stuff that annoyed us... hehe or mostly i would rant about stuff that annoyed the crapola out of me and you would listen.
I miss not seeing your funky stuff in your room and not hanging out or getting drunk together. And i know i said i would visit, and i will, but it won't be until after x-mas
And of couse I wonder how you're doing, but I know you have miriam and that the two of you are fighters, suvivers and you really really know how to have fun..... I love you!
other then that I just got nailed by a poetry scam. ha ha atleast they didn't suck any money out of me. I was exited at first, but then sceptisism hit me. I researched it on the internet and it was a scam... well too bad. I read an article about poetry scams that said" at first you'll be exited and then you get mad" I really don't see why I should be mad. I mean, I didn't loose anyhting (well posibly the right to my poem, which sucks b\c its pretty good--> and yes i'm gonna say it! IT'S GOOD and I wrote IT! :)
I'm gonna post it in its own post!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I see clouds gathering in the horizon....
I have a cold....a freak kin cold from hell and a cough that burns in my chest.
I guess we all can agree that life is full of ups and downs, but can you turn a down to an up? or at least slightly alter it so that it won't be as bad as it might have been?
Each year at the beginning of October I think about my grandparents, the once who have passed away.
Funny how thoughts of them it can strike me with pain after 10yrs. I lost my farmor when i was 13. I remember how unbelievable it was, when my mom told me. It was as if she had slapped my face. When I was 15 I lost my moms dad. I had seen him the day before. I often think about that fact. That my mom, dad, my siblings and I decided to go up and say hallo. Its like this freaky coincidence. We were on our way home and my mom was spouse to go up and get something. All of us decided to go up. When mom told me he had passed away I thought about that, in fact it was the only thing I thought about; how lucky it was, that we got to see him one last time.
Last year I lost my farfar. He was 79 and would have been 80 in late December last year. I didn't know him that well. My siblings knew him even less than what i did. The last 4 yrs before he passed I saw him about 4 or 5 times a year and I was starting to get to know him. I think the most touching moment as he is concerned was when we visited him when i was 17 or 18. When i came into his living room I saw that he had pictures of me and my siblings on his wall. It was nice to know that he offered us some thoughts and that he cared in some way. I was absolutely shattered at his funeral. Mostly because then it was too late to get to know him, it was too late for him to get to know me. And I had a hard time picturing that this really tall man could fit into such a small coffin. My sister and I was allowed to choose a song for his funeral; one day you'll dance for me New York city. we saw it as appropriate because he was a sailor when he was young.
At the end of October last year I went to visit a friend of mine in New York city, and I went to see a family I know in Virginia. The mom in the family informed me a week before I went that her mom was really sick, but they still wanted me to come. Ruth was dying, she had only a few months left to live and they thought it would be great if I still wanted to come to make one of her last weeks something exiting, something nice.
I only spent one night in New York, I choose to spend the rest f my time in Virginia and I haven't regretted that at all. It was nice to spend time with Ruth. And i tried to spend as much time as possible. 3 days after I left and went back home she passed away. Its funny how a woman you hardly know gets a kind of a 'grandparent' status in your emotional center.
wow this post is kinda depressing, but hey what is life without the downs? I honestly believe that you can't know what happiness really is until you know what the opposite emotions feel like. And even though I've lost people who've been wonderful and important to me, and although it still hurts at times when I remember and realize that I will never see them again. I still hold love for them, I still carry the with me.....
<3
I guess we all can agree that life is full of ups and downs, but can you turn a down to an up? or at least slightly alter it so that it won't be as bad as it might have been?
Each year at the beginning of October I think about my grandparents, the once who have passed away.
Funny how thoughts of them it can strike me with pain after 10yrs. I lost my farmor when i was 13. I remember how unbelievable it was, when my mom told me. It was as if she had slapped my face. When I was 15 I lost my moms dad. I had seen him the day before. I often think about that fact. That my mom, dad, my siblings and I decided to go up and say hallo. Its like this freaky coincidence. We were on our way home and my mom was spouse to go up and get something. All of us decided to go up. When mom told me he had passed away I thought about that, in fact it was the only thing I thought about; how lucky it was, that we got to see him one last time.
Last year I lost my farfar. He was 79 and would have been 80 in late December last year. I didn't know him that well. My siblings knew him even less than what i did. The last 4 yrs before he passed I saw him about 4 or 5 times a year and I was starting to get to know him. I think the most touching moment as he is concerned was when we visited him when i was 17 or 18. When i came into his living room I saw that he had pictures of me and my siblings on his wall. It was nice to know that he offered us some thoughts and that he cared in some way. I was absolutely shattered at his funeral. Mostly because then it was too late to get to know him, it was too late for him to get to know me. And I had a hard time picturing that this really tall man could fit into such a small coffin. My sister and I was allowed to choose a song for his funeral; one day you'll dance for me New York city. we saw it as appropriate because he was a sailor when he was young.
At the end of October last year I went to visit a friend of mine in New York city, and I went to see a family I know in Virginia. The mom in the family informed me a week before I went that her mom was really sick, but they still wanted me to come. Ruth was dying, she had only a few months left to live and they thought it would be great if I still wanted to come to make one of her last weeks something exiting, something nice.
I only spent one night in New York, I choose to spend the rest f my time in Virginia and I haven't regretted that at all. It was nice to spend time with Ruth. And i tried to spend as much time as possible. 3 days after I left and went back home she passed away. Its funny how a woman you hardly know gets a kind of a 'grandparent' status in your emotional center.
wow this post is kinda depressing, but hey what is life without the downs? I honestly believe that you can't know what happiness really is until you know what the opposite emotions feel like. And even though I've lost people who've been wonderful and important to me, and although it still hurts at times when I remember and realize that I will never see them again. I still hold love for them, I still carry the with me.....
<3
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Socks
I love this pic. It was taken before a party and shows me and my room-mates feet and yes we are wearing matching H&M socks.
Boots for Walking
Our dog when he was a tiny tiny puppy.
I was never a dog person untill we got him. Now I love dogs... and I still think that he is the best dog ever. He has such a great personality and he's good tempered. spoiled rotten though. What to do? C'est La Vie!
Here Goes Nothing
The other day I overslept and came in 4 hours too late for work. I had a terrible night. I didn't realize until my sister woke me up that I was sick. I had fever dreams that entire night.
Well, life is funny isn't it? The ups and downs.... hehe the turn arounds. What to do? Sing. Or something equally fun.
I liked this guy and I told him. Even though I had a feeling that it wasn't mutual it didn't matter. It was important for me to just leap and do it. I'm way tougher than what I tend to give myself credit for. Which is a good thing, I recond that means that I have reserves to draw upon when poop hits the fan. I'm still feeling deliriously happy. I'm just at this really good place right now, despite rejection.
I think that forum helps, not just a little either. It really offers you insigt and a tools that make you able to see yourself as you really are and I really think I've learned more about myself these last 4 months than what I have in the year previous to that.
Sure I fall flat on my face all the time, but Does it matter? I could always just get back up and brush of the mud and the dirt and keep walking. Besides I hadn't invested anything in that guy so all I stood to lose was face, and in the end I'm really the one who desides how much face I'm willing to lose. I could have been embarresed and been scared to show my face ever again, but I really don't see a point in doing that. I've done far worse things and still been able to walk with my darn head high.
so yeah. I guess: Kudos to me and to all the other hopeless and proud people out there!
Cheers!
Well, life is funny isn't it? The ups and downs.... hehe the turn arounds. What to do? Sing. Or something equally fun.
I liked this guy and I told him. Even though I had a feeling that it wasn't mutual it didn't matter. It was important for me to just leap and do it. I'm way tougher than what I tend to give myself credit for. Which is a good thing, I recond that means that I have reserves to draw upon when poop hits the fan. I'm still feeling deliriously happy. I'm just at this really good place right now, despite rejection.
I think that forum helps, not just a little either. It really offers you insigt and a tools that make you able to see yourself as you really are and I really think I've learned more about myself these last 4 months than what I have in the year previous to that.
Sure I fall flat on my face all the time, but Does it matter? I could always just get back up and brush of the mud and the dirt and keep walking. Besides I hadn't invested anything in that guy so all I stood to lose was face, and in the end I'm really the one who desides how much face I'm willing to lose. I could have been embarresed and been scared to show my face ever again, but I really don't see a point in doing that. I've done far worse things and still been able to walk with my darn head high.
so yeah. I guess: Kudos to me and to all the other hopeless and proud people out there!
Cheers!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
sleepless in oslo
I can't sleep. I slept for a couple of hours earlier tonight. I was reading and i just fell asleep. Darn to I regret it. It's like 3.15 in the wee hours and i'm just lying here, sleepless.
i've joined a forum lately. I love it. I'm not gonna say what it is though; what if someone sees one of my post and know its me. he he that would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I love it though for several reasons:
1. you can be totally anonymous
2. You can chat about or ask about ANYTHING
3. There are some really funny, wise and great people in there that are brutally honest with you when
you need it the most.
ha Ha i don't know about you, but i really need some sense knocked into me from time to time. Just look at my last relationship. It was hopeless and people around me could see it, but I was so blinded it was scary. Now I can see it so darn clear and i love that fact. makes me wish that i found that forum earlier though.
okay. once more i will try to sleep, lets cross our fingers and hope it works :P
i've joined a forum lately. I love it. I'm not gonna say what it is though; what if someone sees one of my post and know its me. he he that would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I love it though for several reasons:
1. you can be totally anonymous
2. You can chat about or ask about ANYTHING
3. There are some really funny, wise and great people in there that are brutally honest with you when
you need it the most.
ha Ha i don't know about you, but i really need some sense knocked into me from time to time. Just look at my last relationship. It was hopeless and people around me could see it, but I was so blinded it was scary. Now I can see it so darn clear and i love that fact. makes me wish that i found that forum earlier though.
okay. once more i will try to sleep, lets cross our fingers and hope it works :P
Monday, November 24, 2008
Finals coming up... geez!!
I don't know why i let this happen time and time again, but finals are coming up and I am seriously not as prepared as i should be. I need to get 2 Bs and a D and I'm honestly not sure if i can make it happen.
So from today until next Tuesday i will be pretty much incommunicado he he. No more social life for me. Oh and I have a HUGE paper due on the 5th... so that makes for 2 weeks until i can do stuff that is not school or work related. I'm broke anyways so i guess its a good thing. this way i won't spend money on stuff i really don't have money for.
I started watching Buffy season 2 yesterday. I don't have season 1 on dvd only VHS, but it's fine really, i'm not that big a fan of season 1. I haven't seen this show in a while, been a few years since i saw season 2. Its far more entertaining than what i remembered it as, especially considering that its a show from 1997 or something like that.
my sister wrote about the phenomenon of missing someone. She misses her friends. They are spread out all over the place, i'm lucky like that i guess. Most of my friends live in the same town as me, but I do miss my friends who live in my hometown though. I don't get to see them often enough. Which is really sad. luckily when i do we have a ton of fun. Like this weekend.
I actually dosed of earlier while I was reading for my exam and I had the strangest dream, where my bbf and i was lying on my bed watching TV and talking. I got really, really disappointed when i woke up and she wasn't here!
Back to the books and Buffy season 2.
So from today until next Tuesday i will be pretty much incommunicado he he. No more social life for me. Oh and I have a HUGE paper due on the 5th... so that makes for 2 weeks until i can do stuff that is not school or work related. I'm broke anyways so i guess its a good thing. this way i won't spend money on stuff i really don't have money for.
I started watching Buffy season 2 yesterday. I don't have season 1 on dvd only VHS, but it's fine really, i'm not that big a fan of season 1. I haven't seen this show in a while, been a few years since i saw season 2. Its far more entertaining than what i remembered it as, especially considering that its a show from 1997 or something like that.
my sister wrote about the phenomenon of missing someone. She misses her friends. They are spread out all over the place, i'm lucky like that i guess. Most of my friends live in the same town as me, but I do miss my friends who live in my hometown though. I don't get to see them often enough. Which is really sad. luckily when i do we have a ton of fun. Like this weekend.
I actually dosed of earlier while I was reading for my exam and I had the strangest dream, where my bbf and i was lying on my bed watching TV and talking. I got really, really disappointed when i woke up and she wasn't here!
Back to the books and Buffy season 2.
happy happy happy
haha seeing as this is my third blog thing in an hour, it probably means there will be days till the next one. I just needed to get this out of my system before I try to sleep. On Friday i woke up and was truly and genuinely happy. I don't know about the rest of the general population, but that is really rear for me.
I have gotten out of bed (or this morning the sofa) and my body has been really really happy. Seeing as i'm a very cynical person I'm convinced that it will pass pretty soon, that it's just a new fancy step my mind has created that eventually will lead to some serious, hard-time depression.
That's not to say that I'm not going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts though. I'm loving it, McDonald-style
I have had a really good weekend. On a scale from 1 to 10 it was pretty much a strong 12. Some friends of mine came to visit. I don't get to see them too often and we got shit faced together. it was a lot of fun. My aunt joined in as well. she's 10yrs older than me and i don't see her too often either. On Saturday my brother, my cousin and two buddies showed up as well and we went to a party. It was so nice to just hang out with them, pretty much like the good old days when we would party together each weekend and do a bunch of stupid things we could laugh about for weeks. It's nice to wake up in the morning and hang out with the people you just partied with and to talk and laugh and be tired together. I've always loved that. It's a great phenomenon. On Friday my sister, my 2 friends and i slept over at my aunt and uncles place and we had the same good-time talk in the morning. I don't know what makes those moments so special, but they are.... uhu, probably just one of those little things that makes life so awesome sometimes.
okay happy happy happy rant over.
I have gotten out of bed (or this morning the sofa) and my body has been really really happy. Seeing as i'm a very cynical person I'm convinced that it will pass pretty soon, that it's just a new fancy step my mind has created that eventually will lead to some serious, hard-time depression.
That's not to say that I'm not going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts though. I'm loving it, McDonald-style
I have had a really good weekend. On a scale from 1 to 10 it was pretty much a strong 12. Some friends of mine came to visit. I don't get to see them too often and we got shit faced together. it was a lot of fun. My aunt joined in as well. she's 10yrs older than me and i don't see her too often either. On Saturday my brother, my cousin and two buddies showed up as well and we went to a party. It was so nice to just hang out with them, pretty much like the good old days when we would party together each weekend and do a bunch of stupid things we could laugh about for weeks. It's nice to wake up in the morning and hang out with the people you just partied with and to talk and laugh and be tired together. I've always loved that. It's a great phenomenon. On Friday my sister, my 2 friends and i slept over at my aunt and uncles place and we had the same good-time talk in the morning. I don't know what makes those moments so special, but they are.... uhu, probably just one of those little things that makes life so awesome sometimes.
okay happy happy happy rant over.
first snow of the season
You wiped my tears, then walked away
as if it never mattered
how unbearably loud
your footsteps were
each time they hit the tarmac
i woke up this morning
naked, scared and alone
the sun was shining
on the white blanket of death
outside my window
a heavy reminder of childhood innocence
when the world was small and safe
and that horrible thing called responsibility did not yet exist.
the first snow of the season
used to be a relief
it used to fill the inside of my ribcage
with pure joy
now it's a sign of how all things eventually end
and the mere sight of it
fills me up with a hollowed out emotion
that pours out of my skin
i imagine it is what grief would smell like
if grief had a scent.
-GH.
as if it never mattered
how unbearably loud
your footsteps were
each time they hit the tarmac
i woke up this morning
naked, scared and alone
the sun was shining
on the white blanket of death
outside my window
a heavy reminder of childhood innocence
when the world was small and safe
and that horrible thing called responsibility did not yet exist.
the first snow of the season
used to be a relief
it used to fill the inside of my ribcage
with pure joy
now it's a sign of how all things eventually end
and the mere sight of it
fills me up with a hollowed out emotion
that pours out of my skin
i imagine it is what grief would smell like
if grief had a scent.
-GH.
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